Boy loves Boy
by MissMoonlightdancer
Summary: Paul is asked to help organizing the Christmas party of his school. Actually, he's happy with his boyfriend, Noah, but things start to happen...
1. Winter Time

**Hi^^**

**Well, even though hardly anyone knows this book, I decided to write a story for this novel, since I´ve fallen so much for it and for David Levithan´s writing style ( I only bought it around two months ago but I already dragged all my friends to read it and unfortunately one still has it so I´m not quite sure if the name of the girl who has also asked Paul to architect the Dowager´s Dance was Lisa. If not, I´ll edit it again)  
**

**So, like the novel, this story is written in the first-person perspective of Paul and it plays a few weeks after the Dance (I believe it was in in November)**.

**Honestly, I never planned writing a fic for this fandom, I only had a few scenes in my head, but the past days, my mind somehow worked on its own to develop the plot and so on. **

**Well, I hope you enjoy :) (And I hope someone reads it at all...)**

**And it´s dedicated to dear Sarah-chan.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don´t own Boy meets Boy  
**

* * *

It has been three weeks since the Dowager´s Dance. Just two more weeks until Christmas. And I have that very certain feeling that it´ll be the very best Christmas of my whole fifteen years of life. All the exams for this year are done, my marks aren´t bad and finally I can relax. I lean back into the soft pillows of my bed, looking dreamily out of the window. Outside, thick fluffy snowflakes are falling from above and cover my lovely town with a blanket of white tenderness.

I smile to myself and I kinda know that my boyfriend does the same thing right in this moment, maybe also on his bed in his beautiful room or even in front of an empty piece of paper which he wants to fill with the colors that he sees right now when he looks out of his window in his studio. Suddenly, my cell on my night table buzzes and I reach my hand out and open the message. I start to laugh. It´s from _him_. Noah. The boy I´ve fallen so truly for and who loves me back just as much. The message is kind of plain, but the fact that it´s from him makes it something really really dear. He says:

'_Painting right now. Snow is awesome. Thinking of you. Bye' _

Instead of sending a message back, I call him and I only have to wait for one beat of a heart and he picks up and I hear his smile in his words.

"Hey" he says.

"Hey" I say.

"I bet you´re lying in your bed right now, looking out of the window, right?" he chuckles and warmth spreads through my whole body. I love his voice just how I love his amazing hands that can draw so beautiful pictures and are yet so careful when holding me.

"Yup, you´re right, but I´m just lying here because I have no one with whom I could have a snowball fight and with whom I could build a snowman, because if I´d build a snowman alone, he wouldn´t have anyone to talk with and to go for a walk with" I answer and look at the self-made bracelet on my right wrist.

It´s made in a certain way of knotting and it has cost me five hours and ten bruised fingers and many many attempts to finish two of them. It´s´re green and blue. Green is Noah´s favorite color and blue is mine and we´re both wearing one. I chuckle at the thought how Noah always tries to cover it up when he´s drawing, otherwise it´d get sprinkled with paint.

"I got the same problem, I don´t want my snowman to feel lonely and my sister is not up to run around outside. So what´re we going to do now?" he answers and his cheerful joy makes my heart flutter in excitement.

"Aren´t you drawing right now?" I ask to be sure that I wouldn´t disturb him.

"Don´t worry, the snow will be falling for the next days and then it´ll look even better. So, shall I come over or will you?"

"I will!" I yell and I´m already running down the stairs. His soft laughter follows me right through the door.

...

When I walk through the familiar streets, I can´t help but grin from ear to ear. Every time I´m looking up to the houses I´ve known for so long already and when I see all these familiar faces I feel so really thankful to live in this town. Here, it´s nothing special if two girls are kissing on the sidewalk or when two boys are holding hands while walking through the park. Everyone can be just the way he or she wants to be. I put my hands into my pockets and my breath looks like a silver mist a few inches above my head. I speed up a bit, because it has been two days already since the last time I´ve seen my boyfriend. And I can´t wait to see him again.

He greets me with his smile and I smile back and he kisses me lightly on my cold lips. His are a bit warmer and I want to keep them there, but he pulls back to look me in the eyes.

"Hi" he says and it sounds so much better than through a cell.

"Hi" I say back again and I know that he knows that I can´t help but stare into his emerald green eyes that always fascinate me so much.

"Up to build a snowman, now?" he asks and I nod and the next hour, I´m fully focused on my work and we try to build the biggest snowmen this town has ever seen since, man, why are the people saying that building a snowman is something for children? It´s fun and it´s even more fun because my boyfriend is with me.

...

I don´t really know when we´ve begun to have a snowball fight then, but we both hide behind our snowmen, our munitions lying to our feet and we throw through the thicker getting curtain of white, half blind but the laughter always tells us where the other is. Eventually, we´re tussling cheerfully in the snow, our hair already wet and our noses and cheeks light red from the joy and the coldness.

I´m already out of breath and he starts to tickle me. I laugh so hard my stomach hurts and I gasp "Stop! Stop! Noah-!" He bursts into laughter as well and we both try to catch our breaths, while we´re still lying in the snow. As we both calm down, I notice how icy my hands are and blow warm air onto them. Suddenly, Noah takes my cold hands in between his and rubs them carefully. His wonderful hands are still as warm as before. I blush and at the same time I like to hug him and tell him how much I love him, but before I say it he only smiles and gives me a peck on the lips. "Later, first we have to get you warm again" he says and I agree.

...

We walk over to his place and find it empty. On the kitchen table a note lays. His younger sister has gone to a friend´s. So we´re alone until she comes back, because Noah´s parents often are on business trips through the whole United States and until now I´ve only saw them twice. We walk up the stairs and enter his room. Like always, I look around like it was my first time here, but I can't stop admiring the way he has decorated his room. Since it´s Christmas time, the color is mostly red and green and I don´t know why, but it smells like cinnamon and candles and fir needles and hot chocolate.

"Here´re a few towels" he says and gives me a towel to dry my hair.

I thank him and start rubbing my head. My brown hair which is a few hues lighter than his and a bit less curly gets all messed up and I look like I have just taken a shower. He smiles as he glances at me, his hair just as messy as mine. We sit down on his large bed. It´s not a double bed, but bigger than a one-person sized one.

"Do you have some kind of idea what I could give to my brother as present? I have absolutely no idea" I sigh and cross my legs.

"A new girlfriend" Noah replies lazily.

"I thought about that too, but it´s too expensive to get one and wrap her into paper…I guess the girl wouldn´t like that"

"Well, then how about something that reminds him of tennis? Since he´s totally obsessed with tennis…"

"But that´s so _normal_. I have to thank him properly again"

"Why?"

I blush and turn my head to the side. "He helped me out when… you know already, when… I tried to get you back…"

Noah is silent for a few moments, but then he takes my hand. "Then I guess we should give your brother something from the two us" he says. "Because I have to thank him, too, because he has helped you get me back"

I smile and my heartbeat quickens because I´m so happy about his words and I´m so happy being the one he builds snowmen with and has a snowball fight with and being the one who´s now with him sitting on his bed, thinking about a present to give my brother.

...

He feels my racing pulse and leans forward to kiss me again. I kiss him back. We pull away a few inches to look into each other´s eyes. Then we lean forward again, allowing our lips to meet and I feel feel _feel _so much it´s too much but I don´t miss any of the feelings he makes me feel. Slowly, very slowly we sink into the sheets, never breaking the kiss which becomes more intense with every breath we take from the other. My heart is racing like a roller coaster and I feel easy and terribly uneasy at the same time because I´m still nervous when we´re making out and because I love him so much and I want him to feel how much I love him but I don´t know how do it and how to do it right.

Noah knows that and doesn´t rush me and he has told me that he´d wait until I´m truly ready for it. But how shall I notice that I´m ready for it? My thoughts drift away and one arm wraps itself around my waist, pulling me closer. The palm of my left hand lies on his cheek and caresses the soft skin. It feels so warm and so safe being in his arms. Our breaths get hotter and his hand slides up and down my waist until it gets to the bottom of my shirt. There he pauses and stops kissing me.

"Is it alright?" he asks and his voice sounds so full of concern and love and heat and certainness that I nod, even though my heart feels like it´d explode anytime. His warm hand slowly slides beneath the fabric and glides up and down my bare skin like before. It takes some time until I get used to his touch and start paying attention to his kisses again. I notice that they become longer and deeper and I taste him and he tastes me and my left hand grabs the front of his shirt. My cheeks feel like they´re set aflame and my hands are slightly shaking and it feels so warm and hell why is someone calling me right now?

...

The spell is broken and Noah´s hand slips out of my clothes and I reach into my pocket to take out my cell.

"Yes?" I say and my voice is still a bit unsteady from the many kisses. We sit up and Noah moves a bit to give me enough space to talk in privacy.

"Paul?" a familiar voice asks and I recognize her in an instant. It´s Lisa, the one who always organizes the school´s events and I don´t know how it happened, but somehow she thinks that I´m her helper or something.

"Yeah, it´s me. What is it?" I ask back and actually I know what it _is_ and my question actually means 'What kind of thing are you planning again and how shall I help?'

"Paul, we´re organizing this year´s Christmas party and since you´re so skilled in decorating and finding the right place to celebrate, I thought…"

"Yes, okay, I´ll see what I can do" I sigh, since she´d never take a 'No' as a response. And actually, it´s fun helping to organize the parties.

"Tomorrow in school I´ll give you the list with the names of those who offered to help. See ya tomorrow" she says and hangs up without waiting for an answer.

I roll my eyes. It´s not like I dislike her, but once in a while she could throttle her speed a bit to a human pace. I notice Noah´s curious eyes and tell him why Lisa called me.

"The school sure has a bunch of events, right?" he asks amused and once again I remember that he´s still practically new in my school, but I´ve already got so used to his presence that I forget that he still doesn´t know many of the school´s habits.

I answer "Yes, kinda" and I ask him if he wants to help me with the party. He agrees.

...

For the rest of the day we´re just hanging around, talking and hearing music. Of course, we kiss a few times, but it´s not like on his bed, caught in something I can hardly get. We´re thinking about the place where we could have the Christmas party and Noah´s eyes move into the distance, Elsewhere, and I know that he´s already imagining the way he could decorate it and I´m sure that it won´t be a normal decoration but something that wouldn´t let us _see_ Christmas but feel it, smell it, hear it, touch it in so many ways that we usually don´t.

It´s around eight o´clock and I decide to go home. We stand in the hallway and I´m putting on my shoes and my jacket, and I notice that I´ve forgotten my scarf at home while rushing to see him.

"You´ll catch a cold if you´re walking through this weather without one" Noah says and gives me his.

"I´ll give it back tomorrow" I promise and smile as he wraps it around my neck. I take a deep breath because his scent lies in the soft wools.

"See ya tomorrow" he whispers and kisses me, his bangs tickling my nose, making me sneeze.

We laugh and I say "Yeah, see ya" and I can hardly wait today to be tomorrow.

I step outside and walk through the snow back home.

* * *

**To be continued...**

**I hope you enjoyed^^**

**Please review :)  
**


	2. AfterSchool Activities

**Hi^^**

**Thanks to those who´ve read this, put it on story-alert or favored it or wrote a review. Those small things really keep me working :)**

**And thousand thanks to my lovely beta, bloody-miss-alice, for her great work^^  
**

**This story is dedicated to dearest Sarah-chan (love ya 'chu')**

**Please enjoy :)**

**BTW: Paul really is in an acting troupe, it´s said in the novel.  
**

**Disclaimer: I don´t own Boy meets Boy  
**

* * *

First person I run into the next morning is Infinite Darlene. And I really mean 'run _into_' because my brother and I had to walk to school because of the snow, and we've had a pretty nice snowball fight on the way here. And all my clothes and my face are full of snow and I don't see her standing near the stairs up to the portal and I nearly knock her down. Well, only nearly because she's six-foot-four tall, our school's star quarterback and a drag queen with high heels almost reaching up to my knees.

"Paul!" she chirps and helps me up.

"Hi", I say through a mouth full of snow.

"Had a nice weekend?" she asks and we jump up the school stairs into the warm, crowded entrance hall, where most of the students try not to be hit by the snowballs which keep flying into the crowd from outside.

"Yup, great", I say and duck so the next snowball hits the wall behind me.

"Has Lyssa given you the list with the names of the Christmas party committee already?", Infinite Darlene continues; her height slightly complicating the action of avoiding the snowballs.

"No, she said that she'd give me the names today" I explain.

"Are you sure it won't be too tough for you, darling? Since your acting troupe has also practice, right?"

At her words, I slap a hand to my forehead. How could I have forgotten about that?

"I'll - I'll manage it somehow" I say and sigh.

After-school activities are great and fun, but sometimes I really lose the view over everything I have to do. And yesterday I really hadn't thought about the play we're planning, since Lyssa's call came so suddenly and she was way too fast in explaining everything and my thoughts were all totally muddled up and I was _making out with my boyfriend_ or at least tried to.

The school bell rings, only seconds after Noah enters the hall and tries to find a way through all the students. His hair is full of fresh snow and he sees me and smiles through his wet bangs. I wave my hand and he fights his way to me and Infinite Darlene, who greets him cheerfully.

"Good morning" I say and he says "Good morning" and we kiss sweetly.

I have to go to my math class now, and he to his social science class, so we have not much time to talk. We walk hand in hand up the full stairs, but have to separate already on the first floor.

"See you later" he smiles, letting go of my hands.

"Yes"

The remaining warmth of his hands never lets my fingers get cold again.

...

Because all the exams for this year are done, we take it easy in classes. We do a few exercises, but most of the time we can hang around, cheerfully talking to each other and our math teacher walks out of the room, either because she wants to buy a coffee in our school's cafeteria or she's simply too lazy to go on with the lesson. In math class, Ted sits next to me on my right sight and Amber on the left, and they tell me that they both want to join the Christmas party committee. Amber doesn't surprise me; the past few weeks we've become pretty good friends, but it's new that Ted is in, too, since he isn't really the type of guy who likes to join such things. But he, too, has changed pretty much over the past few weeks.

He doesn't call me 'Gay Boy' anymore, only when he wants to tease me. But at lunch he often sits with us and jokes around and yet he's only half of his usual full self, because the thought of Joni still hurts him and not only him. My attention slips away from our conversation and my eyes wander to the place they've wandered so often to since that place isn't next to me anymore. My-best-friend-that-isn't-my-best-friend-anymore sits in the opposite corner of the classroom, talking to the few friends she still has. She doesn't look good. No, she _does_ look good, but I can see that something is nagging at her and makes her stay awake at night. I guess that _something _is her boyfriend Chuck, whose fault it is that Ted has lost the girl he loves, and I my best friend.

In the first days or weeks it was only weird and strange not to have Joni around anymore. But now it becomes weird and strange and hurtful, because its Christmas soon and I miss her and I'm not sure if she misses me and actually my life could be nearly paradise now if she would just start talking to me again. We have been best friends since elementary school and she used to know me better than I know myself. And I used to know her better than she knew herself. But now I don't know if she still knows herself at all. And I don't know her anymore, either.

...

At lunch it's loud and full in the cafeteria, but the others have somehow managed to save some seats for us. We walk over and I sit down next to Noah, and Emily and Amy declare that they help organizing the Christmas party, too. I have the list with the names of all the committee members with me and I'm truly happy that it's the exact same group as for the Dowager's Dance, even though the Club Kids A-D are in, too, but I don't mind.

We're right in the middle of a heated discussion if the pants of Santa Clause are black or red (I say they're red but Laura and her girlfriend are totally sure they're black) as I suddenly feel a hand on my shoulder. I flinch like a chicken and kick against one table leg.

"Yeah, waah-? Ouch, that hurt…"

(Amber bursts into laughing and I shoot her a glare and her nose disappears completely in her history homework, but even the Aztecs can't cover her laughter)

"Paul, today is practice, you know? So after school we're all in the theatre room" a girl, who also is in the play, says to me.

I grimace "Ok, I'll be there".

After she has left, I turn around to Amber, who still chuckles. I raise my eyebrows, but she only says "Your expression was awesome" and turns to the Ted, whose eyes drift around the cafeteria, clearly searching for a certain girl, but I can see he can't find her.

...

The story of our play is actually quite simple.

There is a boy who lives in the house of Santa Clause and cleans latter's shoes and boots and feeds the reindeers. He likes it there, but the cook of Santa Clause doesn't like him and is always mean to the boy. When the boy falls in love with one of Santa Clause's helpers, an elf, the cook decides to chase the boy away by telling him that Santa doesn't need him anymore. So the boy is all alone and comes to a town where he finds all kinds of sad and poor people and helps them. Meanwhile the elf notices that the boy is gone and starts to search for him. On Christmas Eve then the boy is all alone in that foreign town, with nowhere to go and he dies out on the street in the snow that keeps falling down on him. The elf finds him and his only wish is for the boy to come back to life again. Santa Clause says he'd grant the elf's wish if the elf would give up on his magical powers. The elf agrees, the boy comes back to life and the elf becomes a normal boy.

That is basically the plot of our play.

When Noah first read the script, he said to me that he likes the story, even though it's kinda sad at some point. When I told him that I'd play the lead, he said that he didn't like it anymore.

Noah is one of those who volunteer to build and paint the stage setting for our play so that means that he's also in the theatre room whenever we have practice. That's one of the good things about theatre practice: I get to spend a bit more time with him.

"Paul, you haven't learned your text" the leader of our acting troupe snaps at me (she's also my literature teacher and it's the exact same tone like when I've forgotten my homework).

"Yes, I'm sorry" I mutter and sigh.

"The performance is in two weeks! So next time I expect you to be able to play your role without improvising a single part, got it?" she says and her eyes seem to spit acid.

"Yes" and I almost say 'Ma'am'.

After that we practice different parts, mostly those at the beginning where most of the actors are introduced, like Santa, the elves, the cook, me and so on. We still practice without costumes, because the girls who design our costumes aren't finished yet, but I know that my clothes look like I've run away from the orphanage in the novel _Oliver Twist_.

...

Around one and a half hours later, the first ones go home. I stay there because I want to learn my role and Noah stays there because he still isn't content with the stage setting he has worked at today. We both do our stuff without disturbing the other one and we still enjoy each other's company. I quietly walk around in the theatre room, letting my words hang in the air and step by step I put feelings and memories into them, and with every breath they become more alive and dance around me.

I'm completely lost in my role as I suddenly feel two arms wrap around me from behind, bringing me carefully back to myself.

"Don't fly away" Noah whispers into my ear. I guess he has noticed how far away from him my thoughts have moved and he has brought me - them - back to him.

I smile.

"Are you finished?" I ask and he kisses me softly on the neck.

"Almost. I was too enchanted by you to finish it" he says and rests his chin on my shoulder.

I turn around in his arms to face him and pout slightly "Are you making fun of me?"

He laughs and shakes his head.

We move to the old sofa in one corner of the theatre room. It's already old and worn out and smells after all those plays it was used in already and after all the tears that were shed into its fabric because youths have been so completely exhausted or hopeless or purely happy after a successful performance where everyone has believed it wouldn't go well.

"I don't like your role, you know?" he says and I lean my head on his shoulder.

"Because of the kissing scenes?" I ask teasingly.

He rolls his eyes. "No… okay, that's one reason, but also because you die all alone in that city even though you've helped so many people spending a blessed Christmas Eve. Don't you think it's unfair?"

"It is, but therefore the end is even nicer because everything works out and I come together with my beloved elf" I chuckle.

It really is funny to see him being jealous without him really noticing that he is jealous but he'd never admit being jealous once he has finally noticed it. But to be honest, I guess I'd be quite anxious if he wouldn't be, so I keep my teasing as little as possible.

I whisper "I love you" and lean closer to him.

His lips are only three quarters of a heartbeat away and he whispers "I love you, too" back and he kisses me.

...

He takes my script out of my hands and leans over me. I follow his movements and sink into the old pillows. Our lips don't part and he lets his hands wander into the warmth of my unzipped sweater, gliding over my shirt. My palms rest on his cheeks and I close my eyes, I open them and I taste him and I_ feel_ him feeling _me_ and I let him let him let him.

We are alone in the theatre room. There are no sounds coming from the hallway. The light is only dimmed. Noah's hand slowly slips beneath my shirt, pulling me even closer to him. My hands leave his cheeks and wrap around his shoulders. My nails run tenderly over his neck and he sighs into the kiss and leans into my touch. He slips my sweater off my shoulders. Then he asks me if he should stop.

I look up to him and see his loving smile and even though my heart beats so fast that my whole body trembles, I can't say No. I don't know where and how this is going to end and I don't even know if I want it to end but at least I know that I don't want to be the one who ends it and I don't want it to be Noah because then I believe I'd simply die in his arms on this worn out sofa.

So I say don't stop and I mean don't stop and not just Maybe or Possibly.

The heat makes me dizzy and his hands feel so hot on my skin and I gasp and I feel his weight on me and I feel him loving me and wanting me and needing me and it's so completely different from everything I've felt till now, because I want him, I want him, I want him so much and I love him back and I need him back, because he's the only one who can make me feel this.

My eyes are firmly shut, but I see thousands and thousands of suns exploding in the dark and I hear only our movements, how he's above of me and how his clothes rustle and how his fingers set my skin aflame and how he whispers my name and suddenly, there's such an annoying buzzing sound which doesn't come from my pocket but from his.

And all I think is _Who the hell is calling him right now?_

I guess that's called a Déjà-vu. And I wonder why we never manage to do such things without being disturbed by anyone.

I open my eyes and he pulls away and from his expression I can tell how annoyed he is. He reaches into his pocket and pulls his cell out, clearly with the intention to hang up on this person if it isn't important. But as he looks at the screen, his eyes get wide.

"Who is it?" I ask and a really bad feeling washes the heat away. I ask him but I don't want the answer. I want the answer to drown in the ice that has just drowned our fire. His green eyes flash in a really foreign way and I don't want him to answer.

But he answers "It's my ex-boyfriend. It's Pitt".

And I think _That can't be true.

* * *

_

**To be continued...**

**Well, there´s a small story to the idea of the play.**

**A few years ago, I don´t know, I was like in fifth or sixth grade, my elder brother showed me an englisch poem he had to memorize in his english class. That poem was about a boy who lives in the house of Santa Clause, who clean´s latter´s shoes and boots and who´s hated by Santa´s cook. The cook sends him away by telling him that Santa doesn´t need him anymore. Santa searches for him and finds him dead.**

**Well, I don´t know why, but already then, when my brother showed me this poem, I found it so terribly sad :( And I decided to turn it into a play in this story and changed the ending.  
**

**But unfortunately, I don´t know the name of the poem anymore and neither does my brother and I can´t find it on the internet. So please, if anyome knows the poem, please let me know^^**

**Well, I hope you enjoyed.**

**Please Review :)  
**


	3. The Stranger

**Hello there^^**

**Impossible, I actually had the chance to update, hooray!**

**There's not much I can say, except it becomes quite hard for Paul and Noah ;)**

**Thank you all for all your kind reviews^^ and it's nice to see that there're so many Fans of this book out there =D**

**BTW: The name of Laura's girlfriend is never mentioned in the book, so I just called her Jazmin (because I like that name^^) I hope you don't mind.**

**I'll try to deliver the next chap ASAP, but I can't promise anything.**

**Anyway, please enjoy =D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Boy meets Boys  
**

* * *

At home, I don't realize me standing in front of our phone for exactly seven minutes and twenty-three seconds, my hand hanging a few inches above the receiver. I want to talk to someone right now. And it can't be Noah, because he is part of the topic, at least a bit, like two-thirds maybe. I go through all the people I could call right now.

Emily.

Amy.

Laura.

Jazmin.

Ted.

Kyle.

Tony.

Infinite Darlene.

Amber.

Joni.

Wait, I gotta cancel the last name. I want to talk to her since weeks now and I have tried to find the right words, but I can't manage to put them all together, because I don't even know how to make things right because I don't know what went wrong in the first place.

"Honey, if you don't like to call someone, could you please move a bit? I want to call your uncle for a change, checking if he's back from Canada already…"

I grab the receiver and press it to my chest like a father his new born son. My mother lifts her hands in amusement.

"Ok, ok, my brother can wait, dear. What would you like for dinner?"

"Anything`s fine" I mutter.

I run upstairs, finally making a decision. I'll call Amber.

...

"Hey, uhm… it's me"

"I know" she laughs and I feel a bit better.

"Am I disturbing you right now? I could call later…" I say and pray that she has nothing to do right now.

"No, I was just tiding up my room but that's not important… not even necessary, but try to tell that my mum…"

I sit down on my bed and lean my back against my pillows.

"So Paul, what's up? You don't sound well, you know?"

I rub my neck and close my eyes. After a few heartbeats of silence, I tell her everything, faster than I wanted to, sounding more desperate than I planned to.

"…Amber, am I freaking out?" I ask at the end of my monologue.

The whole time she hasn't interrupted me, only listened to me silently.

"Well… I understand your worries… But he's just the ex-boyfriend. There's nothing between Noah and that guy anymore. Why don't you just go and trust him a bit?"

I sigh. Deeply. Something I don't do very often.

"But he called him! What kind of guy cheats on his boyfriend and then comes crawling back after months?" I say and sound really childish, mixed with anxiety.

"Sorry, but… Kyle did the same, right? Besides, Kyle was your ex-boyfriend and you two even have classes together and go to the same school and don't even live far from each other. Don't you think, for Noah, it was just the same? Knowing that Kyle was still there and the issue with Tony, he still let himself like you. Don't you think that you're a little unfair now, Paul?"

Her words are honest and help me more than thousand words of mollification or comfort. I feel bad, but in a good way. Probably I was just freaking out about nothing.

"You're right… Really right. Sorry for making you listen to so much crap, I just didn't know…"

"It's alright, Paul. We're friends, right?" she says and I have to smile.

It's nice hearing those words again.

"Well then, see ya tomorrow in school"

"Yeah. Goodnight!"

"Sleep tight!"

She hangs up. I let the phone slip on my mattress and look out of the window. _Friends…_ I grimace, an image of a well-known girl hanging in front of my inner eyes. _I really am the worst._

_...  
_

The next day starts in a really strange way. I have to go to school alone, because my brother overslept. When I went out of the front door, Jay was yelling at my mum, because she literally kicked him out of bed and into the bathroom, a wet, cold washcloth her weapon. As I walk through the icy snowy maze on the street and pavement, which my dad and our neighbors spend the whole yesterday afternoon shoveling, I see, not far away, someone standing at the corner of a street, looking up to the street sign which says 'Stop'. I have to pass the guy; otherwise I'd have to make a detour as long as the Milky Way. But actually, I can't really explain why, I feel strange having to pass him.

The snow crunches beneath my steps, but he doesn't notice me. Or he ignores me. I don't know why, but it's hard to ignore him. Since he stares so intently up at the sign. I follow his gaze, but I can't see what's so exciting about a stop sign. He wears a dark blue jacket and grey jeans; his feet have vanished in the knee-deep snow. I can't really tell what color his hair has, because he wears a grey wooly hat. And it's completely impossible to tell how old he is, only by looking at his back side. I know that it's really none of my business, but I'd feel worried, leaving him staring at the sign outside here in the snow. So I carefully step closer.

"Er.. sorry…?"

He turns around, clearly surprised.

"May I help you somehow?"

He blinks and his eyes of the color of clouds in a storm flash curiously. He has white skin and his face, framed by black, messy strands of hair, is handsome and also a bit arrogant, as if he knew perfectly how good-looking he is. He is a bit taller and probably also a bit older than me, because he looks down on me the same way my brother does when he knows something I don't because I'm younger than him.

"Thanks, but I'm perfectly fine" he grins and I know that he doesn't take me serious.

I shrug. _Fine, keep standing there until your pretty butt is frozen,_ I think and start walking again. After a few minutes, as I reach the steps up into school, I have forgotten about him already.

...

I don't manage to see Noah before classes, because, for some reason, he has been to school late, too. And, for some reason, I'm glad not having to face him already, because I still don't know how to handle the situation from yesterday afternoon. And, for some reason, I wonder if it's a good idea to ask him about the phone call from Pitt.

"Hey Paul"

"Morning, Ted"

Ted sits down next to me, leaving a scent after coldness and ice behind and dripping some molten snowflakes into my neck. Like always, I can't keep my eyes from travelling over his face to see signs of a sleepless night and having been drunk. I'm relieved as I find none.

"When's the meeting to organize the Christmas Party?"

"Tomorrow, after sixth period"

"Great. I´ll be there"

I haven't expected anything else, since he asked in the first place.

"Already an idea on what to do exactly?"

"No"

I sigh and rest my chin in my palms and my elbows on my French book.

"What did you do last year?".

I try to remember. "I believe that it was the year where we presented Christmas traditions from all over the world, showing everyone how people in Africa, Japan, Sweden, Ireland, Brazil and Peru celebrate it"

"That's cool". "Yes, but we can't do the same thing this year, again"

"I know".

Our French teacher enters and we fall silent. I try to keep track on the lesson. But soon, my thoughts start to travel, from the Christmas Party to my boyfriend, to his ex-boyfriend and to the play. _I wonder if I'll make it…_

_...  
_

"Hey, how 'bout returning to the roots?" Ted mutters later in the first break, as we sit together in the school's library. Amber, Emily, Amy, Infinite Darlene, Laura, her girlfriend Jazmin and I look at him as if he had gone completely mental now.

"Uhm… Sorry, Ted?" Amy says carefully, staring at him with worry in her eyes.

Ted stares out of the almost snow-covered window, forgetting his history essay lying in front of him.

"You know… the real reason why we celebrate Christmas. The one and only and oldest message. What it means for all of us. The same feeling we all share when thinking about it…"

We stay silent, each musing over his idea. Which isn't practically bad. Actually, it's brilliant and I almost wish it had been me to suggest it. But the reason, why it was Ted, makes me frown. Because… _The feeling we all have when thinking about Christmas… wanting to spend time together with those we love…_

I steal a glance at him. He still stares out of the window, eyes somewhat empty and lacking the joy and brightness they once were overflowing with. _He still misses her… _I sigh and rub my eyes, feeling tired now. Why is my life suddenly becoming so complicated? Someone enters the library. I look to the side and see my boyfriend approaching me. _I hope it'll work out somehow…_

_...  
_

Later, as Noah and I have some time alone, between fifth and sixth period, he is the first to bring up the topic with the call of his ex.

"Uhm he… he just asked me if I liked this new town and if I had found a few people to hang out with already. Then he told me a bit about our school and news there"

He stops, looking anxious. I wait, not knowing what to say, anyway.

"He says he wanted to see me"

His words feel like a heavy ball of ice inside my stomach. I look away. Keep silent.

"Paul?"

"So?"

"What?"

"Do you want to see him, too?"

Now he looks really anxious. "I don't know. Actually, I wanted to ask you if you were okay with it"

_Does that mean, you want to see him? After he broke your heart and threw it away like a used handkerchief?_, I want to yell, but I keep silent again.

"Paul?"

"It's nothing of my business, so you can decide for yourself, right?" I say and I sound a lot colder than I wanted to. Immediately his green eyes narrow.

"Why are you doing that?"

"I am not doing anything! You're the one who wants to go see his ex!"

"And you said that it's none of your business"

"Yeah, so go, meet him, I don't care!"

"It really isn't anything of your business. And you know what? I will do so. I'll go meet him. So, what are you gonna do now?"

_Please stop that! I didn't mean to say that! It's not what I mean, _I cry in my mind, but I can't stop.

"Fine with me"

Noah looks at me angrily. "See you later"

"Yeah"

He storms away to his class, leaving me leaning tiredly against my locker. He and Pitt haven't even met yet and already now, things go totally wrong. I wanted to say that I don't want him to meet him, but I want to be able to trust him, too, more than anything else. Saying 'I love you' doesn't mean 'I trust you'. Latter is definitely more complicated to say. And to feel. I sigh. Things go wrong, totally wrong. And it seems like I can't do anything to stop that.

...

Later, after school, we stand in our usual circle of friends, chatting about what we could do this evening, as Jazmin and Laura suddenly appear, pushing their bicycles through the snow.

"Noah!" Jazmin says, her hair full of little ice crystals.

"Yes?"

"At the school gate there's a guy standing, he says that he knows you"

My heart becomes heavy.

"A guy who knows him?" Amber repeats thoughtfully, looking at me.

"Ok" my boyfriend answers, smiling politely at her.

As we leave the school grounds all in one group (most of them because of curiosity) first thing I see is the guy from this morning leaning against the gate, hands in his pocket, perfectly relaxed and probably enjoying the gazes of the girls that pass him. There's no mistaken that he's waiting for someone.

"Wow, he's handsome" Emily whispers into my ear.

This doesn't make me feel any better.

"Is it him?" I ask, part of me praying that Noah will say 'No'.

"Yes, that's Pitt"

And all I think is_ Damn it_

* * *

**To be continued...**

**Sooo, it's getting exciting, right? Muhahaha!**

**Pitt is never described in the books, so I just made him the way he is pictured here. I'll try to make his character as authentic as possivble, though in the book Noah only mentions how much he has hurt him and cheated on him and so on. **

**I hope you liked it ^^  
**

**Please review ****=D**_  
_


	4. Don't tell, keep silent

**Hello again =)**

**Wow, this chap got long. But I really did enjoy writing it.**

**Thanks again to all of you who reviewed this story and told me to continue. I try as hard as I can to write as if the author himself would write the sequel. It's an honor that you appreciate it that much =)**

**And to _Jam_: Yes, it definitly is a compliment for me if one says that my writing style is similiar to David Levithan`s, because he's one of my favorite authors and I love his style of writing and I do my best to let it seem like he was the one writing this story^^**

**I don't know if the next chap will still come out this year. I'll try, I promise^^**

**But still, please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Boy meets Boy  
**

* * *

In all honesty, I_ am_ able to understand why Noah has had such a crush on him before, when he was still living in his old town. Pushing my first meeting with him this morning a little aside, I can't help but find him damn attractive. And exciting. And arrogant. But it's an arrogance I can forgive somehow, because I can't help feeling like he can _afford_ being arrogant, because he has more than enough reasons to do so.

I've never been quite able to picture him in my mind. I only knew what kind of jerk he is, based on what my boyfriend told me about him. But now, as I see him… Under other circumstances I guess I wouldn't mind his nastiness and arrogance. I'd take it all… if he'd just be mine, at least for a little while.

Those and other stupid, Noah and/or his boyfriend related thoughts run through my mind, as I'm at home that afternoon, learning my role whilst listening to the radio playing some random charts. It takes a few minutes until I notice that I've learned that scene already two days ago. Oh well…

The next moment, I fire the script onto my bed. Then I run out of my room, knocking heavily at my brother's door.

"Jay!" I yell; I believe he makes up for the sleep he didn't get this morning.

"…What is it?" comes the sleepy reply from the other side.

"Can you drive me to Tony's?"

It's silent for a few moments and I almost think, he has fallen asleep again. Then I hear a low groan of annoyance. "What's with Mom? Can't she bring you?"

"She's still at work. C'mon, Jay…"

Another groan. Then I hear him standing up and walking through his room, hitting a few DVDs and his TV. He curses and I almost see his mood falling into a deep, icy cave. Then he rips the door open.

"Why couldn't you tell me to drive you there when I was still awake?" he snaps. His brown hair is totally messy and his eyes small and watery.

"Yeah, sorry… What were you doing last night, anyway?"

"Whatever" he grunts.

I raise an eyebrow. "What's her name?"

"None of your business"

"Ok, then I'll ask Mom…"

Jay turns around, faster than a bolt. But he stays silent, probably thinking of what to do. Then he sighs and rubs his eyes.

"Go get the keys, now, will ya?" he mumbles and closes the door again. I jump to the stairs, a wide grin on my face. Maybe that was something I needed.

...

I'm more than curious to know who that mysterious girl might be that kept him awake all night. He must have a great crush on her, I can tell. My brother may have a really slight brother-complex (not that I'm complaining; sometimes it's rather annoying, though) but normally he never would've driven me to Tony's if I yelled him out of bed like earlier. No, I reckon he's actually in a pretty good mood. Because of _that girl_.

We've been silent for a few minutes; I look at him from time to time and study his unmoving profile. Then I can't stand it anymore.

"C'mon, you always tell me. Who is she? Do I know her?" I ask with a sly grin on my face. I haven't forgotten about Noah and Pitt and Joni and her useless boyfriend Chuck, but right now, this is about something that makes Jay happy. And that means it makes me happy, too. And that means for the moment, it's more important. Both for my brother and for me.

He sighs. Then he turns the music down. "She's a junior at our school. Name's Alexis. You know her?"

I nod slowly. I have a picture of a pretty, seventeen-year-old brunette in front of my inner eyes. As far as I know she's quite popular among her friends and she's a great musician. She'll be in the orchestra that'll accompany our Christmas play. She plays the violin.

"Ah, ok. I guess you two were phoning all night, right?"

"Of course" A smile appears on his face. A small, cheerful smile.

"So? Are you two dating now?"

"Not officially yet. We'll go to the cinema tomorrow, after that we'll eat somewhere, then I'll drive her home and so on…"

I keep silent. He's not finished yet.

"…I believe it might become something… something _real_, you know"

I nod. I feel happy for him, but his last words get stuck in my memory. _Something real…_ Is there a chance that a relationship between two people isn't _real _sometimes? Is that possible? It sounds like the relationship has never really _existed_ in the first place or it was only some kind of illusion or so.

I rest my chin in my palm as I look outside the window, seeing the landscape pass by. Soon we'll be there. Question then might be: How does one know that something's real or not? And what can one do to _make _it real? I sigh. It starts snowing again.

...

It's as I'm standing in front of his front door that I notice that Tony doesn't even know that I'm here. The car turns around the next corner already. I take my cell out of my pocket and call my friend.

"Hello? Paul?" Tony's rather surprised voice answers after a few moments.

"Hey. Are you busy right now?"

"No, actually not. Why?"

"Can I come over for a bit?"

"Sure. When are you coming?"

"Uhm… I'm in front of your house already" It stays silent. Then the front door opens and Tony looks at me, eyebrows disappearing behind his bangs.

"Hey" he says, lowering the phone.

"Hey"

"Come in"

"Thanks"

We settle in his kitchen. His parents are both still at work, which relieves me. I'm still not on really good terms with them, but I like to believe it gets better bit by bit. Tony puts a plate full of cookies and gingerbread in front of me. His house smells after Christmas and candles and church.

"How're you?" I ask, because I don't want to give him any answers yet.

"Quite fine. Kyle left only half an hour ago" I take a bite from the gingerbread and look at him.

"You two are a thing now?"

A smile appears in the corners of his mouth. A smile, similar to my brother's a few minutes before. "Sort of"

I wait for him to continue.

"It feels right, you know?"

Then his eyes lower to the plate. And then they return to me. "But you don't mind, do you?"

"Hmmm…?"

"He's your ex-boyfriend, after all"

"Don't worry about that" I smile; I haven't given that any thought before, to be honest. "I feel happy for the two of you"

"…Ok" "And… your parents? Do they know already?"

He shrugs. "I guess they noticed something but they still can't manage to get it into their heads. It's a lot for them to handle"

"And _how _do they try to handle it?" I ask, referring to the religious obsession of Tony's parents.

"Paul" He says and I hear in his voice that he wants me to understand really bad because till now I didn't want to understand them (and him) at all. "They've improved. And they're trying, really"

I keep silent. I've never been quite able to understand why Tony keeps on loving his parents even though they treated him so badly after he told them that he's gay. I deem… his parents should love him the way he is. That's what parents are for, right? Of all people, they should support him the most. And yet they were the ones who hurt them the most. And he still wants to think that they love him. And he still loves them.

I know that I'm unfair. Maybe I'm even spoiled because my parents had never any problems with me being gay. Nor my brother. But Tony is the only child those two have and they try their best to make his life even more difficult than it is already. What kinds of parents do that? Maybe Tony forgives them for all their sins they did for their so called oh-so-holy catholic church and, in their opinion, also for his sake. But I can't forgive them. Not, after all they've done to Tony. He looks at me and I can see that he sees that right now, I'm not up to change my mind at all. So he drops the topic.

"Why are you here, Paul? Has Joni realized that Chuck is an idiot?"

"Unfortunately no. Not yet, at least. It's…" I hesitate. Then I slap my hand against my forehead. _Oh craaaaaaaaaaaaap!_

What kind of boyfriend am I? I leave my _boyfriend_ alone together with his _ex-boyfriend_. I don't even know where they've gone to. I was way too angry at him. And at me. At the whole damn situation! I don't know what happened after Noah went over to greet him, back there at the school gates. I was so angry that I went home, without saying goodbye. Without staying there like any other boyfriend would've done it. _Craaaaap! _

"Paul?"

"Tony… I guess I made a really big mistake"

"So?"

I look at him. Then I look away. And I tell him everything.

...

Tony listens without interrupting me. He listens and stares out of the window, because he knows that I know that I did something wrong, so he doesn't have to give me some kind of non-verbal signals, such as narrowing his eyes or so, to let me feel even more miserable. I stop and breathe out. That was everything.

We stay silent.

Think.

Stare.

Search (I).

Find (He).

Then he turns around to me again. "Do you think he's at home?"

I look at my watch. "Probably"

"Then go over to him and try to talk with him. Apologize and ask him what's going on between him and that Pitt-guy. I reckon he even waits for you to show up already. Anyone would. Since… _you_'re his boyfriend after all"

I nod slowly, feeling nervousness gather in my chest. Then I stand up.

"Call me later" Tony says, opening the front door.

"Yeah. And… thanks, Tony"

"Sure"

Then I'm out of the house and wait for my brother to pick me up.

...

As I stand in front of my boyfriend's door, I lift my hand to ring the doorbell. Then I lower it again. I try it again. And I fail again. I guess I look stupid standing there on the door mat. But I can't bring myself to do anything. My shoulders drop. Then I pluck up what's left of my courage and ring. The familiar sound echoes through the house. It takes a few moments before his younger sister Claudia opens the door, raising her brows at my sight.

"Hey" I say.

"Dude, if you really like my brother, then do something! Don't let him do the same mistake again!" she snaps, but steps aside to let me in.

"?" is my reply.

"You know whom I'm talking about. Noah is upstairs. You know the way".

"Are your parents at home?"

"No, otherwise, he wouldn't have taken him till the door mat".

My heart skips a beat. "Is he-?"

"No, left about an hour ago"

I slide off my shoes and walk up the stairs, a way I've really learned to like; I guess my feet would find their way on their own, without me helping them. They know exactly where they want to take me.

I knock at his door. No answer. I carefully open and glance into his whimsy-cool room. No one there. That means he's in his studio in the attic. I walk through his room and to his closet, instantly finding the rope ladder up the old chimney.

My heart has had a tough time today, and it's not over yet. It feels like he was the boy I had a crush on since months now, without having been able to tell him or show him or so. My legs become weak; my heart beat jumps out of my chest and my knees slightly start to shake. But it's not a good shaking and not a good beat. It feels wrong and worried and confused.

His back is turned toward me. He stands in front of his easel, his right arm is following the movement of a wave or a wing, his left hand holds his color palette. His stereo plays the album of Christina Perri.

"_I learned to live half alive  
And now you want me one more time…" _

I stand and don't move. I watch him and I don't think he has noticed me. Or maybe he doesn't want to notice. My breath comes out in a long, soundless sigh, a nothing against the voice of Christina Perri. I believe I could stand here all night long, only watching him and believing that this distance is no distance anymore but a glimpse of closeness, a stop of time. A moment which goes on forever. Only for me.

"_Did it took so long just to feel alright  
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes  
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed  
Cause you broke all your promises  
And now you're back  
You don't get to get me back…"_

I approach him, until I stand behind him, stepping a little to the right, to get a look at what he has painted till now. It's a girl and she's sitting against a mesh wire fence. Her world seems to go up in flames and there's no one else. She's all alone.

"Looks nice" I say softly, though my heart almost drowns out my voice. He doesn't flinch; he only shrugs, which means that he has noticed me already. I want to look at his face, but I don't dare. Instead I lower my gaze. Why does it feel so cold, now, being next to him?

"_And who do you think you are  
Running 'round leaving scars  
Collecting your jar of hearts  
And tearing love apart…"_

His brush lowers. Then he sighs and turns around to me.

But before he can say a word, I say "I'm sorry"

He doesn't smile, but I believe his green eyes get a little less cold.

"I should be the one saying that"

"No, really. I left you two. I was angry and I didn't care at all about you. And him. I shouldn't have left, earlier. I'm sorry for that" _And for having doubts.  
_

Noah shakes his head. "Well… Pitt he… I showed him a little bit of the town and told him a few of all the stories, you know. Then he offered me a cappuccino and then he went home with me. He only stayed about twenty minutes, after that he left".

I don't think that Noah tells me any lies, but I don't think that he tells me the entire truth, either. And I don't know what to feel about that fact.

"…Were you happy to see him?" I ask. He doesn't answer. He puts his tools away. Then he walks over to the old sofa standing in one corner and falls into the pillows.

...

He sighs again. This time a slight undertone of hurt inside the sound. I follow him and sit down next to him.

"I don't know, Paul, honestly. Is it… so wrong to want to be on friendly terms with him again? Despising him takes so much… energy. It takes too much emotion and it makes me think too much, of all what went wrong. It doesn't let me forget. I don't know what to do. I've never been in this kind of situation before".

Of course not. Pitt was Noah's first boyfriend.

There's no coldness left around him anymore. I feel his confusion and his hurt and his worries. I wish I could make them go away. But I cannot and this makes me sad and frustrated. It makes me feel so useless.

"But… how did it feel to be with him?" I ask.

"…Not… as bad as I expected. It was ok. Strange and… reserved, but not bad, I guess".

I don't know if this is good news or not. "Are you going to meet again?"

"Maybe. He told me that he'd call me".

I nod and fall silent. "You know... I wish for your sake to be on good terms with him again, really. But I can't deny that I feel insecure"

"I know"

He says and looks so guilty that my heart is melting. I don't want to make this any harder for him than it is already. I don't know what to say and neither does he. Actually, I have a lot more to say and a lot more thoughts to share with him, but right now, he's not his usual self. There're too many thoughts inside his mind already, crashing against each other, leaving a chaos of colors and shards of thoughts and sounds behind, I believe. He needs to calm down. And for that, he doesn't need me. I stand up, but he holds me back.

"Could you… stay here a little bit longer, maybe?" he asks and sounds so lost that I nod and sit down again. And then I put my arms around him and hold him, because I feel that he needs someone to lean onto, now. He needs no words now. Only my silence. And it's all I can give him right now.

I've never seen him this breakable, this helpless. This makes me feel my love for him stronger than ever before and I hold him closer, closer to my heart. He relaxes.

And then he says "Just a few minutes… and then I'll be ok again…".

A lie which wants to be the truth. So I let it be the truth for the meantime.

"I know" I answer.

There's too much which still has to be said. Too much that still has to change. Too much that still has to be felt in order to become the wish to become better.

Outside, the snow continues to fall.

* * *

**To be continued...**

**It was really interesting to write a scene where Noah is the one having a tough moment. I hope you liked it and got as authentic as possible.**

**There's not much more to say, except that Paul, Noah, Pitt and all of the friends will still get a tough time in this story^^**

**It's getting more and more exciting ;)And I promise there will still be more Tony**X**Kyle and Chuck**X**Joni**X**Ted coming up.  
**

**Anyway, I hope you liked it and please leave a Review =)  
**


	5. Competition Of Heart

**Hello everyone!**

**Oh man, it's been a long time, but finally I am able to update this story. Sorry for having made you all wait for so long.  
**

**I hope you will enjoy =)  
**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Boy meets Boy  
**

* * *

As I walk from Noah's, it is still snowing. He offered to take me home, but I just wanted some time for myself. To think about everything that has to be thought of right now.

Which is quite much, as I think it through…

My boyfriend seemed a lot calmer as I left, but I know that on his inside, it still looks like a storm at wind speed 10. My thoughts circle around him and his ex, like a whirlwind. As I think about them, my heart feels so raw… as if my chest was open and free for everyone to look at.

I stop at a playground; feeling terribly tired all of the sudden. I sit down on the snowy swing; at the bottom, small icicles dangle down, like frozen tears. The sky is dark already, covered with a thick blanket of grey clouds; the only warm light sources are the lanterns, but they stand too far away, as if banishing the playground into the shadows for being so empty and lifeless.

My hands, thickly buried in my gloves grip the ropes and I slowly swing back and forth, my feet never leaving the cold sand, my heart never flying at ease. In just a few days, my life has become so unbelievably complicated that I hardly know how I'm going to manage it all. Organizing the Christmas party, learning my role, getting all the gifts and presents for my friends and my family, writing Christmas cards to our relatives far away, negotiating my life through the maze where each way is a new life that entwines around mine, in one way or another.

I believe that true happiness is when all those I love are truly happy, too. But I've never seen happiness moving so far away from me… from us. I breathe out and see my breath as a silver mist hanging in the air. The sounds of the traffic have gotten calm, silent in their loneliness. Sadness flows down my cheeks, like a river. The droplets freeze into small, crunchy diamonds on my face; even smiling starts to hurt.

I believed that when I get older, it all becomes easier, since grown-ups always seem to know what to do, how the world works, how life works. But now, as I am fifteen, a sophomore in high school, on the verge to becoming a grown-up… it's like being lost somewhere in the wilderness, no matter how much I scream, no one can help me.

I have to find my way all by myself and this task is so difficult that I almost forget where my destination is. I don't know where I have to go to in order to become a grown-up…in order to find happiness. I bury my face in my hands; I feel so weak and directionless I don't know what to do.

In movies, it's the moment where miracles happen and someone unexpected finds the hero and cheers him up, encourages him again, giving him no real way, but at least a sign in what kind of direction he has to move. And a childish part of me sits here and waits for whomever to appear, to tell me that everything will be alright and that I'll manage it somehow.

But the minutes slip away between my fingers and no one appears.

I am still alone. It's close to 11 pm as I decide to go home. My lonesome footsteps are slowly covered with the snow that seems to never want to stop anymore.

...

The next day I wake and feel a slight fever heating me up in an unhealthy way; as I stumble into the bathroom, my cheeks and nose are reddish, my eyes small and swollen. I look awful. I don't even have to give any excuse or explanation – as soon as I enter the kitchen, Mom immediately orders me back into bed. Five minutes later she appears, with a thermometer and a cup full of hot, damp tea, worry drawing wrinkles into her forehead.

"Oh honey… Why did you come home so late yesterday? It was cold and snowing" she says and sits down on my mattress, gently caressing my burning cheeks.

"Sorry, Mom" I try to smile and cough.

"Stay in bed until you feel better. I will call the school and tell them that you won't show up today"

I nod and close my eyes.

"Get better soon" she whispers and stands up.

The light is switched off and the door carefully closed. I sigh into the darkness; I feel how the cold creeps through my body, weakening me even more. At the same time, my thoughts get slower and stranger until I finally give up and slide into deep slumber.

I wake up as there is a soft knock on the door. I groan in a low voice, looking at the clock. It's already afternoon.

"Paul, here are two friends of yours" Mom says.

"They can come in" I say a little hoarsely and cough again.

The door opens and Amber enters, together with, to my utmost surprise, Ted.

"Hey cutie" Amber smiles and twinkles.

"Hey dude. How are you?" Ted asks and they both sit down, Ted on the desk chair and Amber on the exact same spot my mother sat only hours ago, feeling my forehead.

"A bit better now, I guess". It's the truth. I don't feel so sick and weak any more. Maybe a little unsteady, but the bad has gone.

"They all say hi and that you shall get better soon".

"Thanks… any more news?".

Ted shrugs, but Amber has indeed big news for me: "Yes… You know, there was a huge fight in the hallway. Joni and Chuck stood like three meters afar and yelled at each other. Rumors say that Chuck was doing some illegal stuff and she should join him. However, they didn't break up, but it was like the start of a break-up. Dozens were standing and watching".

I raise my brows. "Wow… that is… unexpected…?"

"Hm, well, I don't know how that will work out, but I hope they break up. He is jerk" Amber says.

I look at Ted while she's talking. I believe to see a spark of hope enlivening his eyes which have always had such a zombie look the past weeks.

...

"By the way, heard anything from your boyfriend?" Amber continues. The mentioning of Noah feels like a snowball being dropped into my stomach. I almost shove her off my bed as I suddenly lean forward to grab my cell phone from my night table.

"Oh crap, I'm such a bad boyfriend… He has sent me four text massages!"

"You were sleeping… I bet he can sense that much"

Amber says, her words are only a bit appeasing though. I read the messages. The usual words of worry and wishes for a fast recovery…

"I'll call him as soon as you two are going home" I say. "Any homework?"

They nod, but it's only some easy work sheets and a text we gotta read in history.

"Do you think you're gonna go to school tomorrow?" Amber asks, as she and Ted stand to leave.

I nod. "I guess so. And thanks guys, for coming to look in on me"

"Don't mention it, dude. See ya tomorrow" Ted says and waves.

Amber hugs me and leaves the room. Suddenly, Ted turns around to me once more. A vulnerable expression makes his hard, stubborn face years younger.

"Ted?"

"Paul… do you think… she'll come back to us? To you _and_ to me?".

Of course I know whom he's talking about.

"…I don't know, Ted, really. I wish I could answer that"

"But you haven't given up on her yet?!"

"…As long as she hasn't given up on herself yet"

Ted presses his lips together, his brows furrowing, anger and despair coloring his eyes dark and lifeless again.

"…Still?" I ask in a low voice.

"Never stopped" he murmurs. Then he is out of my room and leaves a throbbing heartache behind.

...

I call Noah. He tells me that he misses me and that he's worried. He even apologizes, although it was entirely my fault for being so stupid to sit out there in the cold for hours.

"Shall I come over?" Noah asks and there is warmth and worry in his voice.

My cheeks warm up but not due to the cold. "No, I don't think so. It's already late and I'll be back in school tomorrow"

"Ok…"

We both stay silent for a moment. I know what he's thinking about and I know that he knows that I know. It's the words that are difficult to choose.

"…Paul, you…"

"…Yeah?" My heart beats faster, in worrisome anticipation.

"Today after school, Pitt was there again"

I sigh soundlessly. "And what did he do? What did _you _do?"

"At first, I didn't do anything. He came over and we started to talk, just chatting about meaningless stuff. It appears that he's currently staying with some relatives. I didn't ask why he doesn't need to go to school right now. He's a senior at my old high school".

_Like my brother_, I think. How come two guys of the same age can be so different? With Jay or his friends I always feel safe and secure because I know that they just have the _urge_ to protect others, especially those who are younger. But Pitt… I had the feeling that he loves to take advantage of his age to _bully around _those who are younger.

"…And what happened after that?"

"Nothing. I had to continue working on the stage setting. He wanted to go see it, but I refused".

I breathe out. I should calm down, nothing happened between them. At least on the surface nothing happened. I don't know how it looks on the insides.

"Noah?"

"Yes?"

"There's everything still ok between us, right? I know it's tough… and I'm sorry. But we are -?"

"Of course. We're ok" he says and I wonder if he honestly believes his own words.

"Ok… so… if we're ok… Then everything's fine, right?" He sounds… yes, he sounds distracted as he says that.

"Hey… really?" I ask, insecure now, my confidence wavering, my belief decreasing like a candle melting in the heat of its own fire.

"Yeah, really".

We share some awkward words until we hang up. I lean against the wall behind my bed, sighing. And it's not only the cold that forces me down to my knees.

...

A competition sometimes is a hard game to kick. And when it's a competition of heart, it's even worse. I notice it as I stand in the bathroom the next day.

I feel a lot better; I look rested and fresh after my hot shower and ten hours of deep slumber. My courage, my enthusiasm, my confidence and my fighting spirit are back. I frown as I look into my mirror image.

And a decision kicks in.

Usually, I'm not a guy who needs to wear a cool outfit every day going to school. I take things a bit easier for I know that my friends and my boyfriend still love me even when I wear two different pair of socks and two different pair of shoes together with an old pair of jeans, a yellow t-shirt with a _Garfield_ logo and a red sweater coming from the _sesame street_ (all of my cool clothes were in the washing and otherwise I would've gone to school half naked… Well, I cheered up like half of the school and Jay refused to talk a word to me during school; but, I admit, I never looked so stupid like on that day).

I run a hand through my moist, messy hair and return into my room. Pitt is not the only one who can look cool and handsome. I throw a pair of black jeans, a white _Hollister_ t-shirt and a grey sweater onto my bed, together with black new _Converse_ and a black shawl. My Mom looks at me questioningly, since yesterday I looked absolutely awful and today I look absolutely amazing. But she just shrugs and I twinkle.

"I have a reason" I tell her mysteriously.

She smiles at that. "Will you tell me later?"

"…Maybe".

At school, I feel quite satisfied as boys _and_ girls turn as I pass them in the hallway. Amber grins and hugs me Good Morning.

"If you ever turn hetero, let me know" she smiles.

I laugh and a loud "Oh _Darling_, what's gotten into you? Paul!" echoes through the hallway as Infinite Darlene approaches on her heels like a sparkling, glittering paradise bird. "You look awesome today" she smiles and boxes my shoulder, unfortunately forgetting her strength.

I rub with a grimace my aching shoulder, as I suddenly feel two familiar hands come around my waist from behind.

"Good morning, handsome" my boyfriend whispers into my ear. I smile, thinking _1 point for me_ as I turn around and kiss Noah sweetly on the lips. And he only has eyes for me.

...

The school day is rather uneventful, except from one second between fifth period and homeroom. I stand in front of my locker, getting some books, as a well known girl passes me in the hallway.

I would recognize her everywhere, in every crowd, no matter how big. Her bright eyes meet mine for the span of a heartbeat. Then she looks away and doubles her speed, racing down the hallway, disappearing in the moving dimensions of students. I stand there, looking and not seeing her, upset and unnerved. Then I slam my locker close. Joni is the only girl in the world that can cause me heartache.

...

"Hey Paul!" my brother says after homeroom. "I have the car, so shall I drive you home?"

"Thanks, but there's still rehearsal this afternoon… And I still gotta do some organizing for the Christmas Party"

"Oh well, if you say so"

He would never ever speak out his worry, but I see the worry in his eyes. It'll be dark once I go home. And as the older brother, he just _has _to be worried about me, since there could be a group of freaks that wanna rape and kill and bury me. I wonder how he would act if I was born a girl…

"I'll take him home" Noah chimes in and appears next to me.

Now I see relief in Jay's eyes. "Alright. See ya later at home!"

"Yeah, see ya" I echo and see him jumping down the stairs of the building.

I have not quite learned further my role, but fortunately my literature teacher doesn't notice. Instead she even praises me, because we practice those scenes I already know.

"You really have got talent, Paul" she says after the rehearsal is over and our group starts to leave.

"Thank you" I say, slightly surprised.

Noah and his troupe of stage builders are almost done with the main setting. And it looks fantastic. It's not only the background they have tried to freeze onto the setting. They tried to freeze the atmosphere, the cold, the night and the star light which I think they have managed pretty well. It is simply amazing.

...

"Are you going to come over for dinner?" I ask my boy boyfriend as we walk down the hallway to the entrance portal.

"I'm not sure – I'd love to, but I don't know if my parents are home or not" he says, taking out his phone to text his sister.

We stand leaning against the door as I wait for him to be done. It's cold and they wind is sharp, but for the moment, it has stopped snowing. The messed up snow in the school yard looks like a stormy ocean.

While Noah talks on the phone, I observe him and wonder silently what I could get him for Christmas. I still have no ideas, but the amazingness of my gift should equal the amazingness of Noah. And that is kind of difficult.

Jay and I agreed on two plane tickets for a small holiday in Florida in January, after we both got things straight at the offices whereour parents are working. That means we are going to be alone home from January 8th till January 14th. It's not the first time that we are alone for a couple of days, but it's the first time that we are alone for a couple of days and I have a boyfriend and Jay unofficially a girlfriend.

My thoughts stark to fly, as I hear Noah saysing good-bye and hangs up. Then he turns back to me. "I'm sorry, but it appears that Mom and Dad are out on some celebration dinner tonight. I gotta take care of Claudia".

I sigh, but it can't be helped, can it?

"It's ok… soon enough, it's Christmas and your parents are _finally _able to act as parents again" I say and twinkle.

He grins and opens his mouth to answer, as he eyes move away from mine, looking past me into the school yard. His grin disappears, almost hexed off his lips. I turn, already half knowing whom he sees.

...

His ex-boyfriend stands there, hands in his pocket, beneath one of the lanterns at the school gate that enlighten the school yard also during the night. He looks up to us. He stands too far away, so I cannot see his face. But I know, he knows and Noah knows that he is waiting for Noah. And I know that he knows that I am Noah's boyfriend.

"Noah?" I say in a low voice.

He shakes his head and here is hidden hurt sharpening the edges of his mouth. He steps down the stairs, slowly, and I follow him. Pitt approaches us a bit.

"Hey Noah" he says. There is no smile on his handsome face, but they way his storm grey eyes gleam, is fascinating.

"What do you want Pitt?" Noah asks. His voice would sound neutral to someone who doesn't love him they way I do… or Pitt did/does or whatever.

"I tried calling you twice already. You never picked up and I _know _that you always have your phone during school".

My gaze moves from Pitt to Noah. His face is unmoving, absolutely reckless.

"…I was busy" "

Busy with your… _boyfriend_?" Pitt says with a light mock underlining his words.

I frown.

"Leave Paul out of this" Noah snaps. But I don't want to be left out of this. I don't want to be excluded from something that means at least as much to me as it does to Noah. But it's not for my sake but for his.

"…Can we talk?" Pitt asks. "In private?".

"Why?"

"Mind if I walk you home, Noah? It's been quite some time since I last do that", he continues.

My feet start to freeze in my shoes. The snow is almost reaching up to my chins. Noah looks at me. Then he looks back to Pitt.

"Yes, I mind it. I'm going to take Paul home".

"Too bad. Maybe I could accompany you two and once _Paul _is home, we could have our talk?".

Pitt's eyes never leave Noah's as he talks. He is completely serious, which frightens me a bit. I decide to end this awkward conversation now. It's a mess.

"Sorry, but would you just leave us alone" I say and I am angry because my voice sounds so thin.

He ignores me.

"Noah, let's go" I say and pull at my boyfriend's sleeve; I know that I look like I am trying to flee from him but I don't care. I don't want to be near him any longer. Suddenly, a familiar car parks right in front of the school gate. The window is pulled down and Jay sticks his head outside.

"Paul, get in!" he yells.

"Why?" I yell back, because his timing couldn't be worse.

"Tony just called! Now get inside already!."

"Jay, I –".

"_Now!_" he orders almost angrily and I flinch, because he never yells at me like that.

I have to go, though it feels like I was doing the biggest mistake of my life.

"Just go, I can take care of myself" Noah whispers, briefly touching my hand.

"Are you sure? Pitt freaks me out!"

"Don't worry. I'll call you later, I promise".

We hug and then I run towards my brother's car. As I jump inside, I see Pitt stepping towards Noah, who stays, where he is. They talk now, a long flow of moving lips and I wonder what they're talking about. As Jay drives off, I see them turning around. And they go, side by side, with distance between them, but much less that I had hoped for.

"So, what is this all about?" I ask Jay distracted, as he drives faster than he is allowed to.

"Tony called like ten minutes ago. He sounded really upset" Jay answers.

I love that Jay cares about Tony, but this is the first time he does what he just did.

"Did Tony say what's going on?" I ask.

"No. But I've never heard someone crying that bad".

* * *

**To be conntinued...**

**Oh, I wonder what has happened to Tony? ;) Well, I know it already...**

**This story gets more and more exciting^^**

**I hope you enjoyed reading, please leave a Review =)  
**


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